pillows
by anonymous

my husband abandoned me
in our own home

I was fat and round with pregnancy
anxious with the weight of all the responsibilities
which made up our home.
it took three pillows, carefully arranged,
for me to be able to sleep at night.

I worked three jobs, or was it four
while he tried to start one business
after another. Always chasing a new dream
with his father and brother
and never once seeking my counsel.

we had no money.
he would not give up and get a job.
he came in to drop off his laundry,
leave his dirty dishes on the table
and watch TV.

First one pregnancy, then two.
I had supported our daily lives
and his dreams all this time.

I spent the first pregnancy crying until 3 a.m.
almost every night
to a man with a pillow over his head.
then, me and my belly would go outside to sit with the dog
who would put his head in my lap
licking my salty tears,
looking up at me with brown eyes of love and concern.

a week before the baby came
the dog was hit by a car
so during the second pregnancy
there was no one to cry to
except the man with the pillow over his head.

two babies, just like that,
and one wife.
still working, I was,
bringing in any money we had,
doing all the house chores,
caring for both babies,
negotiating the phone calls from all people
to whom we owed money.

I knew he wasn’t changing.
he wasn’t listening and
he wasn’t willing to go for counseling.

before I knew it, there would be three.
two babies on my own were more than plenty,
so I left.

he blames me now
as our older child suffers through the changes.
suffer now or later,
our house was full of my suffering,
yet my tears had no impact
no bearing on our situation.

in our new home, the kids and me,
our house is full of smiles.
comfort, joy and laughter flow between us.
our pillows are used only for
the sweet peace of sleep.