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Ask Christina about her bedroom. Project a false smile as her
gaze falls to the floor. Encourage her to tell the story. Mask
your face with concern, eyebrows lifted, lips drawn tight, and
eyes dripping with tears. Tell her how sorry you are, you understand
how she feels. Do not forget to gently touch her arm,
letting the weight of your own arm convey your compassion.
Hold back the urge to smile as you watch her lips parting, allowing
the story to flow out. Squint your eyes as she whispers,
telling you about him. Try not to let your jaw remain open
as she confides in you the death, and then, the secret. Press
your lips firmly together and delete the whine that is growing
in your throat. Move your hands up to your eyes, delivering
comfort as you rub. You wonder why your eyes are so warm
and wet when you had told yourself to stop pretending. Now
you pretend that everything is ok. Everything is ok for Christina.
Listen to Christina as she talks heavily, her voice dressed in
raspy whispers. Ask if she is all right and wonder why you are
doing all of the crying. Tell her about your own grandfather
and how he died on Easter. Remember how you have always
had your own room. Recall that no unwelcome visitors have
ever stayed the night. Realize that at least those kind of visitors
can be asked to leave, the kind who speak, the kind who
don’t slip into your room in the middle of the night. Tremble
now. Christina goes on. She fulfills that challenge you had
posed. But you cannot regret. Watch the hair on your arms
rise, the bumps of your skin follow, wondering where the cool
breeze has gone, knowing that it is barbecue season. Search
your own memory for advice. Do not forget that you have
never slept in a dead man’s room. Place your hands over your
own eyes when you notice Christina’s eyes are no longer
her how long. Should it matter? Try to forget yourself. Know,
at least, that sleep is a stranger to Christina, replaced by some
other inhabitant of the dark. Sigh in relief as you watch the
blue return to her eyes. Tell Christina to stop talking to her
grandfather.
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